Put it On A Hot Dog (I just cringed typing that)

Welcome to the most obnoxious and indulgent thing I have ever written/probably should be a Buzzfeed list/avert your eyes now.

Whenever I get a hot dog, I have this compulsion to gather everything in the vicinity to dress my dog. Whether it be the contents of my fridge (every vegetable, pickle, cured meat, snack food, condiment, and cheese) or the entire condiment bar at Costco (HELLO ketchup AND mustard, onions, relish, AND sauerkraut) my approach to the hot dog can be, at times, blasphemous and hedonistic. If a Chicago dog is also called a "dragged through the Garden" dog, you can call my hot dog a "dragged through every dumpster and alley in New York" dog. To the people who hold strong that the only sauce for a hot dog is mustard -- I'm holding up my bastard-dog where my middle finger should be (so essentially, I'm making a fist and holding up a hot dog and it's making a huge mess everywhere, oh god).

Here are some toppings that would go great on a hot dog.

Disclaimer: Author usually eat hot dogs in fits of stress, desperate hunger/anger. I have never eaten any of these hot dogs. Yet.

1. Spaghetti Bolognese - This is the best method if you want to go about insulting an Italian chef. Ohio already did the heavy lifting with their Cincinatti chili that goes on a hot dog or spaghetti. The next best, most lecherous thing is putting a tomato beef and red wine sauce that's been simmering for 12 hours onto a pile of spaghetti which is sitting on top of a hot dog in a bun.

2. Nachos - The danger here is the possibility of stabbing yourself mid-bite with a pointy chip.

3. A hash brown, egg, and cheese, ketchup - The other day, I picked up a beautiful glossy bun with a ketchupped, cheesy hash brown baked into the center from a Korean Bakery. It's about 3/4 the amount of calories you should eat in a day so be prepared to make some sacrifices because it's worth it. With a hot dog in it, I think it's a day's worth of calories. So, um, sorry.

4. Falafel and fixings - I made this connection when thinking about  my parents' recent love affair with falafel and how I can soil it. My parents made a lot of falafel last week and it was delicious; everyone whose door they knocked on and served it to said so while they watched them eat it! They even talked about opening up a shop at the beach! If I'm still half unemployed by summer, I just might sneak into ol' mom n' pop's new establishment and start serving under the counter hot dogs topped with their homemade falafel. You'll never ground me again!!!!!!!

5. Salad - I'm specifically thinking either a Caesar salad, Cobb, or taco salad would go great on a hot dog. It would give the hot dog a deceiving lightness and good texture contrast or a statement equally full of shit. I just had another terrible/brilliant idea. Som tum (papaya salad). Thai people are really into hot dogs. Whether they're folding them into a pizza crust, eating it in soup, or just spearing it with a stick and selling it on the street, they are everywhere in Thailand. I wonder what my mother would say... (Probably the same thing she said when she watched me eat two Hostess snowballs: "What is wrong with you?" In my defense I had been experimenting with a recreational plant medicine herb thing, uh, I WENT TO A COLLEGE.)